Diary of a Hooker–I Found This Journal Entry From Years Ago About How Drug Use Surprisingly Helps Lonliness

I’ve kept personal journals since 4th grade and I am endlessly fascinated by my past thoughts. Yes, I’m self-centered, however, I think anyone with addiction questions can learn from my experiences, recorded in my honest, uncensored and unedited words from years ago–

Barriers to Sobriety No One Tells You About

Pursuing Your Addiction is a Surefire Way to Meet People
I thought I was lonlely and friendless bc of some internal flaw. Maybe. But maybe not. My
research shows that in today’s world we spend our time in meaningless sub-social (my word)
interactions mediated by a screen. Texting instead of calling. Facebooking people we will never
see again or never meet in the first place, instead of putting in face to face time with a reach-
out-and-touch human. Time wasted in meaningless chatter bc our souls feel lonely without
constant contact with someone or someones. You can have a close relationship if you talk on
the phone, and don’t see the person, but that is the maximum distance between two people if
they are to be considered in a relationship. Take the voice out of an interaction that is not face
to face and what we have is a bunch of pen pals.
Addiction’s Plus Side
If you want to get high you have to interact with people. If you are not independently wealthy
you will need a hustle. Theft. Prostitution. Drug dealing. There are sub categories. You could be
a shoplifter (colloquially called “booster”). Or an identity thief. Under prostitution you could work
the streets or make it your mission to be the dealer’s girlfriend. Drug dealing could be as big
time as you see in the movies or as small time as running the $10 baggie to the new customer
so if it’s really an undercover cop the low level person will catch the 10 year case for actually
handing the stuff to the officer.
Once your financing is in order, you either have to go to the dealer or find the person who
knows the person. From what I have seen from my personal level heroin use in Hawaii, the
bigger the dealer, the less likely he is to use the drug himself (though he might pull temporary
sex partners from the drug using population.) All the books on making friends suggest shared
hobbies as a springboard into relationships. Up the ante to shared obsession, and you’ve got
instant companionship and association. Not friendship, of course, bc addiction brings out the
cold hearted snake within the soul of every human. That primal, limbic brain is activated and
addicts will do whatever is necessary, making it is best not to let the necessary occur.
But hey, we’ve got each other–ain’t we got fun? This fun is something I seldom hear spoken
about when there’s talk about sobriety. What will I do with my time if I’m sober and who will I do
it with. If people can’t get drugs or sex out of me, will anyone want me at all? Will I want anyone
if interactions aren’t about using others? I get using and being used. That’s safe as a known
phenomenon. Relationships based on…whatever they’re based on between people who love
each other, I’ve never had that and wouldn’t know how to begin. I’m lonely and don’t know how
to fix it bc my caustic wit isn’t reeling ’em in. I don’t know how to conclude this piece. I’ll just stop
writing now.

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