An Addict’s Soul Crushing Desperation and My Answer

It took many life do-overs to get to a position in life that allows me the leisure, safety, and intellect necessary to post a picture on my blog, a blog I’ve established and consistently maintained since 2017. I write in my living room, in an apartment with my name on the lease and I carry the keys to the front door. I own this phone and laptop, both of which run on my wifi. Wow. Waaaaay off from needing to get a date to make enough money to buy a $1 spam musubi at a Honolulu 7-11 because the other homeless girls stole my phone and clothes and the last trick forcibly took his money back before ejecting me, in my bare feet from his car.

Facebook Post in Get Clean or Die 2/2020

And once again I’m finding myself checking into detox/rehab once again come Monday.. I just turned 28 a few months ago and since the age of 18 that’s all my life consist of….my soul is tired and I y off my mind. 😔

An addict posting feelings of terminal hopelessness

Caroleena, The ExpertEscort, Responds

Addicts start over from nothing all the time. It doesn’t become easy, I’m not being dismissive of your valid wish to let this time in detox be the last. My idea, conceived of right now, is to use a different metric when measuring the success of your life rather than how many times you start over. Starting over isn’t just something you have to do, it’s a privilege you get to do. It’s really true that it ain’t over til it’s over. I’ve seen over in Jan 2017, in the form of the dead body of the only person who loved me, in my kitchen. Over, for real, has an unquestionable look, feel. I know over and it’s more than a cliche to say that as long as you’re still breathing you’ve got a chance. Fundamental fact of life that living is the chance. It’s one thing to feel your life is over or should be over, but a genuine end is not a feeling, it’s a fact. A fact as unchanging and as immutable as a dead body on your kitchen floor.

Remember: A new beginning is not a burden and never a guarantee. It’s definitely hard work often unknown to people who progress in life on a relatively straight path. Moreover the look and feel of hope, even an almost imperceptible modicum of hope, is quite unlike death. If your life was truly over you’d know it and you wouldn’t give voice to the wish that this be your last rehab stint. You wouldn’t give voice to anything at all.

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