A Men’s Mag wrote about safe hiking trips: “Guys Remember: Bug Repellant Tastes Bad.” Men & Sex…Oh, I Get It Now

I was reading the men’s mag for the health news, silly me

There’s a women’s version of this periodical but the men’s version has more exercises. I never really read the articles before, but this time I slowed my page flipping. I came upon an article about being safe in the outdoors. I thought, with all the COVID-19 stuff, maybe there’s new info in print. I started reading the article and there was no mention about safety while outdoors. The entire article was about having sex on a hiking trip. What was significant was that the article was not ostensibly about sex, but about hiking. Was there some sort of bait and switch in topics? Then I got it. I understood that to men, everything is about sex to such a degree that it need not be said. If they are doing anything with anyone at any time then the act is either sex itself, or is paving the way for more and better sex in the future. A men’s magazine is by definition a magazine about sex.

Swamp Ass Will Not Deter Her

The article had a certain confident slant. Finding a partner is not an issue and consent is assumed. Why would a guy do anything with a woman if he wasn’t going to have sex. In fact, as a guy you are fighting ’em off. The one or two or however many chosen are the blessed ones. You don’t even have to be nice to her but you are a guy with higher standards and the article was showing you how you can really make her day. Not only does she get to have you nail her you get to show her how nice you can be. (She does not ever nail him. He always nails her.)

What can you do for the lucky lady who has to deal with heat, biting insects, lack of privacy, and your smelly butt? The magazine gives helpful tips. As a particularly thoughtful guy, you scented carry wipes to freshen up your not so fresh nether regions, a part of your body that is not better after hours of hiking. After wiping yourself you’ll make it easier for her to put her face down there. You are a good guy, after all. Or you can carry a new, especially lightweight, but protective, mini-mattress type ground cover thingy so the rocks just off the hiking trail aren’t digging into her back–or her knees. If you are spending the night, make sure you have a tent that allows you to pull down the zipper enough so she is not too hot, because you don’t want the whining about ruining the mood. However, you need enough of a barrier between you two and the outdoors so she won’t feel exposed, you know how picky women get about privacy. There was a little container featured you can use to store the used condom and sweat sodden wipes because you want to be fresh, safe, and environmentally conscious. And those wipes? You can set some aside for her use in “post coital clean up.” What about the nasty tasting bug repellent that would make things less pleasant for her when she ministers to you. The magazine recommends repellents made from essential oils. They taste better on your skin. She will appreciate all you have done for her. Her gratitude for the things she never asked for is another something that’s assumed.

Women’s Health Mags Are About Health

What’s really interesting is that the female version of this health magazine, and I am talking prominent magazines here, is actually about health. There is no mention of the many men who want you and the few you are willing to nail. Any hiking article would be about hiking. I flipped through the men’s magazine and sure enough, every subject was sex. Relationship section had an article about how some men get women to make the first move. There was no mention of maintaining an ongoing relationship. A guy explained men’s sex drive like this:

Picture life as a fitted sheet pulled firmly. A bowling ball represents your sex drive. If you put the bowling ball in the middle of the sheet pf life, it would pull everything from every corner toward it. That’s the effect our sex drive has on our lives.

A talkative male blog fan who noted that I was correct when I compared men’s sex drive not to a bowling ball but to a black hole that sucks everything into it.

I don’t think I need to tell you what the magazine suggests about swamp ass. I am not sure I understand what it is but I am quite certain I am not going to waste time researching it. Suffice it to say, you want to get get rid of swamp ass, to make things more pleasant for her, because even swamp ass wouldn’t stop her from letting you nail her.

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