I am special if he sees me as a sex object—right?

I was wrong

I thought I was special if a man wanted to have sex with me. I thought men were choosy. Men are indeed choosy but not in the way I thought. Men are quite often willing to have sex with anyone, and if no one is going to find out that group expands to include almost everyone. I felt so…chosen when I walked out to the street in downtown Honolulu known for prostitution and it took less than a minute for someone to pull over.

Getting the Nod of Approval

I used to time how long I had to stand out there before I was chosen (as I called it). In the year 2000, thereabouts, I always had a digital watch to have the pleasure of noting 42 seconds, 37 seconds, 19 seconds after I reached Kukui Street, I had made eye contact with a man driving slowly on the mixed residential/commercial Street. I would nod my head in response to him first making the gesture. When I did he would again nod but this time gesturing to the left or the right and Is see him pull over admirer going just past me to the first available open space. As I walked to the parked car, I watched him from behind to make sure he had not turned off the vehicle as if he were going to exit the car. He too was watching me in the rear view mirror so he was not surprised when I appeared on the passenger side and asked “can I have a ride?” It was a rush. And yes, I knew it was shallow but I felt sexy and pretty.

Falling into the “almost anyone” category is not special

Unfortunately being selected on the street for a secret rendezvous did not satisfy my need to feel special bc being chosen was nothing special. From what I now know about men willing to have secret sex with strangers, i would have been special if he did not want to have sex, lol. You’re truly special to him when he wants to be with you for something other than sex. You’re special when he wants to spend time with you before and/or after. You’re special when he meets up with you and it’s not for sex. You’re special when he is willing to be seen with you, when he tells people about you, when he introduces you to people in his life. All of these factors are prerequisites for a commitment from him to you.

Taking What I Thought I Could Get

My chances of getting an open commitment from a regular guy went down the drain when I became a sex worker. One of the reasons I choose to do this work was not just for drugs but bc after I searched for my birth family and I experienced a string of rejections from biological relatives and former foster parents, I gave up on the idea of someone wanting me permanently. I believed if I wanted companionship I had better offer sex or I would have no company whatsoever. I took the only thing I thought I could get. Something temporary, thinking something beats nothing. Sex work was a subconscious attempt to fill an emotional void as I pursued the most important goal of supporting my habit.