Is it just me or is it a black thing or is it totally logical? What is “it”? “It” is my knee jerk assumption, without supporting evidence, first hand knowledge of the situation, or exposure to differing opinions, that Simone Biles is blatantly targeted with fake low scores bc she is black, not to discourage others from attempting dangerous skills. “It” is my immutable belief that racial attitudes influence everyone in everything. I see racism all the time. That’s my own bias, the shading of the lenses through which I view the world. I am not impartial. I am not going where the facts take me. I think I am already in the know. I have repeatedly read and heard from mainstream media on TV that Biles is “lowscored” by judges that are no more impartial than I am, in terms of worldview. They look at her and they make assumptions just like I make assumptions. Different assumptions. They view her as someone to take down. Maybe even take out. They haven’t succeeded. Everyone else got a head start and she still won (I’m not covering the controversial Olympic withdrawal here). Am I hypersensitive bc I’m off kilter inside my head and seeing racism where none exists? Do I see racism bc my experience with racism colors everything and I can’t help it? Or how about this: all of the above– I may be emotionally unstable and I had a lot of hatred thrown at me for nothing but ultimately, I see everything as a racial issue bc everything is a racial issue, among other things that characterize situations, of course
Question: wheres the outcry? The sports media writes that this athlete has officials in her own sport trying to destroy her and there’s no comment? Replace the name Simone Biles with the name Tom Brady in this article. We would have an international incident. Yet I am alone crying, “this is an outrage!” I get so angry at the world. I think of people who ask why I’m so mean but the real question is, why am I so nice, given the hatefulness of the around me.
I am targeted at my apartment building by LOW SCORERS in the form of neighbors and management. I have been holding on to my home, sometimes as the only black resident among mostly foreign born Asians. Now I am one of three. People know what I endure. Someone I know said to me today, “You’re still there after 7 years? They hate the f*** out of you!” And he laughed at me thumbing my nose at these people, my life’s version of “low scorers,” through my very existence. I believe the manager has instructed the tenants to bully me but I cannot prove it with evidence that’s convincing to others. But I know. For sure, bullying is condoned. When I remarked to the manager that I have to carry vital medications with me or the neighbors will steal them, his response was that I should move. Said with a smirk. Do you think anyone with a complaint about me would be told to move?
But here’s a cringingly honest truth I wish you didn’t know: those hard core haters affect us. Maybe Simone Biles could have handled Olympic pressure that did not include the virulent pox of racism. And as for me, I refuse to leave an apartment I for which I pay $60/month To return to where? The streets? Live in a makeshift cardboard tent while I perpetually seek nearly impossible to find publicly accessible running water? I know I’d obsess over my graying roots and every other week I would have to dye my white hair black, to keep from looking like what I would truly be–a woman growing old on the streets. I will stay and fight on because with the housing shortage I quite literally have no other choice that involves living indoors.
Yes, fighting my own “low scorers” costs more than money. My peace of mind is diminished, my even lower opinion of my fellow man has sunk further still. We hang on, me and Simone (yes I know I am presumptuous to pair her with me, but hey it’s my post!) Fighting low scorers, well let’s just say it’s not always pretty. I get angry a whole lot. And Simone should’ve been champion.. It’ll be another obstacle overcome when a black woman with a lot of blessings, who could have succeeded, shows she is human and falls short. We get a lot of flack when we have everything, apparently, to succeed but cannot get away from the frailty of our human condition. I look forward to a time when it’s accepted that we are no stronger than, say, a white trust fund baby in rehab.