I thought I was better than overweight people, and I was one!

Repression and Denial are underrated

During much of my adult life I was often emotionally or situationally unstable due to various addictions and obsessions. My one source of constancy was something I valued over most other things: my trim figure. If I received rude criticism from people who thought it was their place to tender unsolicited criticism, it was for being “too muscular” to be traditionally feminine. I ignored them, smug and secure in the knowledge that my critics would never achieve the level of fitness I exhibited.

Deception vs. lying

What’s the difference? Lying is an outright false statement. Deception is sneakier. It is creating a picture meant to convey what you want people to think, but it’s not true. We humans engage in both but I believe we are more often deceptive. We all have images we want to portray. None of us want to look like we have shameful secrets. We try to act like we have it all together. My fit looking body was a deception. Yes, I knew I was not the honest picture of health since my low body fat content came from consuming substances other than food. All of the muscles I had built were subtly defined without the layer of fat women normally have as a secondary sex characteristic. I looked like I worked out–a lot. I worked out, but–a little. I did not care bc my deception got me the body I wanted and it was easier to convince people I was not homeless and that I was sober when I looked like I did steroids instead of illicit narcotics.

The Lure of the Couch

When I got out of the Women’s Community Correctional Center (I was caught with $8 worth of opiate), I managed to get on the right list and by some miracle, the second lucky thing in my life happened. I got into subsidized housing. It’s so difficult to find a place to live, much less an affordable place, that there’s no shame to living in housing, even among the tiny professional class. People want to know how I did it. Moreover, there isn’t a stark line dividing white and black residential populations. A housing project can be next to a pricey condo (I will do a video to illustrate this point). There’s no ghettoization of the poor. I live in a unit that costs an average amount for a Honolulu one bedroom just outside of Waikiki–between $1500-$1600. The waiting list is over 10 years long, which translates to, “when people die, vacancies open up.” But only upon death or disability resulting in transition to a care home. When you win the housing lottery in Honolulu there’s no voluntary movement from your apartment. I reveled in my good fortune, and was happy to be in a place where this good fortune was seen as just that and not something of which to be ashamed. Besides, it’s not like anyone from Harvard would ever know I had sunk this low (I guess I did carry some hidden shame). I managed to enjoy nonetheless and I expressed my gratitude for my living quarters through my devotion to my couch and television. I plumped up. No one said I was too muscular. Instead people started referring to me as healthy looking.

Employment post pandemic saved me from obesity

i didn’t know I was overweight an out of shape until I got a job after the unemployment benefits ended. It’s good my denial was so thick bc I would have been horrified to see my true self (had I looked, lol). Who knows how drastic I might have gotten in a panic over a stubborn roll of fat? People need to know that stability can lead to weight gain and they need to prepare for it so they don’t turn to drugs and all the craziness it takes to do drugs every waking minute because that lifestyle of insanity trumps all desire for food.

I put down the spoon and picked up the fork.

A speaker in Narcotics Anonymous referencing the use of a spoon to prepare injectable dope and how one addiction supplants another. IMHO, You may not be on drugs but if you’re 300 pounds, that’s not what’s meant by sobriety.
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