People with drug addictions, in my opinion, develop trust issues from some form of trauma and/or abandonment. Let me define trust for the purpose of this writing. One way to look at trust is that trust means believing people will do what they say they are going to do. Trust is faith something will happen based upon someone’s say-so. People with drug addictions quite often experienced violations of trust that led to physical hurt, humiliation, or worse. These are exames of lies we have been told
- I am coming back for you
- I won’t tell anyone
- I won’t do it again
- I will pay you back
- This won’t hurt
- I will stop if you tell me to stop
- I will never leave you
You get the idea. When these statements prove to be lies, the betrayal cuts deep. Some can get over it. I have noticed that addicts cannot. We remain stuck in the pain. Our minds replay the incidents for years after the event. We torture ourselves by keeping the pain fresh, like pulling a scab off of a cut too soon so the reinjured skin has to try to heal itself again, Worse yet, we apply what we learned about the betrayers to all people. We swear we will never be so foolishly openhearted again. And we keep our word. Our hearts stay behind a wall. To recover we are told we must change, but it’s so scary.
I would love to have the confidence of the cheerleader in the video. What would it be like to know someone will catch me on my way down? How would it feel not to suspect people will deliberately miss me, and then laugh about it? Is it possible for me to change enough so I could live in the same world as the cheerleaders (On an emotional level, of course. I have no desire to literally fly through the air or experience free fall in any form, lol!)
Catch me I am falling. Now there’s a sentence I have never said, but before this life is over I would like to say it and mean it and have everything work out. Is that too much to ask?